It’s not procrastination as much as fear.

I thought I knew what I was going to write about today, until I began to think about myself instead. See my friend as recently began sending query letters to agents and the like and besides all the strange emotions that arouses in me, I find myself feeling oddly hollow.  I know I should be happy for her but… she’s the slow writer. She’s the one who takes forever writing almost anything. I’m the fast one. In a way, I should be doing this first.

I’m the one who has had a book to send out for a while.

And this started me thinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get to a point and stop?

I do this a lot in my life. I need to get a job but all I do is say that I’m applying for jobs A, B, C, D, and E, and then maybe I’ll apply for B and E. Nor do I get any of the jobs. I need to buy something and first I use the excuse that I don’t know where to find it. Then, I just don’t do it. I need to get work study so I go to the person in charge of work study and say that I need it. I get the locations and I do nothing. (Well, I talked to one, was turned down, and that was all.)  I say that I need to e-mail someone about tutoring a class and I never get around to it.

I wrote a novel and I just let it sit on my computer, doing nothing.

The problem is I don’t know what to do, and then I get so scared that I don’t do anything. It’s not that I don’t want a job, and I don’t want to buy the thing for my computer and I don’t want to be published. It’s that I use my lack of knowledge as a crutch for fear.

So, I’m trying not to be so scared of things. I’m going on vacation next week (will mention later.) and I’m hoping that I can work maybe on my query for Shad.  And work on my new novel. And finish with editing When Darkness Swallows, which I haven’t gotten back to yet. And maybe, if I work very hard, I can get over this little issue I’m having of not doing anything and actually get further ahead in my life.

About vacation. I’m going on vacation start next Monday. I do not foresee any serious reduction in posts, since I already have most of them written. However, I will not be able to answer comments as much as normal, since my internet will be limited. (That doesn’t mean don’t comment. i like comments. :) ) I’ll be back in the beginning of August.